Death gives me anxiety.
I’m not saying that the act of dying causes me anxiety because it isn’t dying that scares me. It’s what happens after we die–the ceasing to exist part–that really freaks me out. I get very nervous because it’s something that I know will happen and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
Once in college I started thinking about not existing and I had a silent panic attack right in my seat during class. My body got hot and my stomach and chest tightened. I tried to take deep breaths in and out to calm myself down but I couldn’t. At one point I even thought to myself, “I can’t let anyone know I’m having a panic attack over being dead so just play it cool.” I don’t think anybody noticed anyway.
I’ve had several of these panic attacks as an adult. Sometimes it’s because I don’t know what will happen and other times it’s because I’m certain what death must be like.
As a child I had a couple of dreams where I feel myself dying.
In one dream, I am sitting in a living room that I know is mine (but looks nothing like my actual living room) with a few relatives, when the front door breaks down and many men dressed in black from face-to-toe bust in. My mom tells me to hide behind the couch, but they still manage to shoot me (and my family) anyway.
Another time I’m in the passenger’s seat of my mom’s car as we drive down an empty street. We are the only car on the road because apparently there is a terrorist/sniper on a roof and we made a wrong turn while trying to avoid the sniper. He shoots me and I die dramatically in my mom’s car, telling her how much I appreciate and love her.
Both deaths occurred the same way: I can feel my body shutting down and everything start to go back.
I’ve always accepted that death was sort of like that. You die and then nothing else happens from there. It’s a lot like being stuck in a pitch black room where you can’t think or move.
If that is death then maybe it’s not so bad. If if really is eternal sleep then that would be cool. I love sleeping. Plus, there was something very relaxing about not having to think or breathe anymore; living is a lot of work.
I am looking forward to just chilling in nothingness when I’m dead. Proof that I’m lazy as fuck.